He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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