Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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