I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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