What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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