I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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