I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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