dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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