Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
