Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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