Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
