My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
