I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
