insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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