found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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