I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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