i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
