i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
