Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
