Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
