fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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