Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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