i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Drake has all the answers
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
