he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When are your genitals available?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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