Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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