I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize