Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
