I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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