I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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