Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I will pee on everything he values.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
