The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
