so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
