I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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