there's paper in my vomit.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
