We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
