Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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