and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize