my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
