party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
