Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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