If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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