Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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