I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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