if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
