He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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