and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
