if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
