Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am one with the molecules
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
