I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
