Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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