My room smells like vodka and shame
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
