One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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