I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
