On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
