I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
