I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
