mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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