We named our party play list daddy issues
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
