There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
