Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My vagina just recognized that song.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
