I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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