i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
