"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
