i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
